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SONG SUNDAY — Sunset Kissies

This one is my favorite of the vocals only album.  There’s not much to say other than it’s just a real treat.

Crazy amount of shows this week

I randomly have a bunch of shows.  You should check these bad boys out.  I rarely do show promoting stuff, so I figured I’m owed some without being annoying.  Here goes.

Thursday, April 5th, 7:00 I’ve been invited to participate in a streaming improvised show.  Could be weird, could be absolutely hilarious (and weird).  Either way, a good way see the ol’ Middleditch if you don’t live in LA.  Good people are involved, so it should be super fun.  ”Improvised Live” at

Friday, April 6th, 9:30, I’m sitting in with literally “the greatest motherfucking improv team in the motherfucking universe”, Death By Roo Roo.  A double bill with Soundtrack, another great show.  That’s at UCB.

SAME NIGHT, 11:00, still at UCB, I’m doing the show I do every week called Diamond Lion.  Great make-em-ups, special guests, singing and weird dancing.  That’s a guaranteed fun time.

Saturday, April 7th, 9:00, Dark and Stormy Improv downtown at LOFT.  Brandon Sornberger and I are doing two-man improv.  Deets here.

Sunday, April 8th, 9:30, I’ll be joining Ben Schwartz and company for his show, Snowpants, at UCB.

If you see every single show I will give you the Stalker Award.  It’s not a physical or monetary award by any means, it’s more of an avoidance by me to you for the rest of space and time.  By the end of this weekend, I think I might need an an improv anti-venom before I O.D. and die.  It’s worth the risk!

SONG SUNDAY —- “Chris”

This is being published today, Monday, because yesterday I vowed to conquer Mass Effect 3, which I did expertly.  What’s all the controversy around the ending?  There were some leaps in logic but when hasn’t there been in any of the ME games?  Plus, Mike Still sent me this video, which pretty much details how it’s actually the greatest ending a trilogy could ever have.

But, all that’s neither here nor there because now, right now, we’re talking about sweet ass tunes.  No more hot jams from The Rappists, mainly because there are no more.  We only made two songs and then success tore the group apart.  Tragic.  But I have had, and will continue to have, a blossoming solo career.  Check out this song about a guy called Chris.  It’s, you know, about Chris.  And it features me arguing with myself about the lyrics, which for your information rarely rhyme.  I wouldn’t call it funny, nor is it particularly pleasant to hear.  There are notes in the song, don’t get me wrong, but they’re not so much “on key”.  

Definitely a buy…


Some of these lil’ gems I have genuinely forgotten about.  This is another one from The Rappists (Andy Carey, Ross Bryant, myself, with DJ Descoteux on the blips and bloops), which I now just realized I spelled as “The Rapists” on that last post which was very unintentionally hard core.  Rap.  Rappist.  The Rappists.  See, that’s much better.  My apologies to all for the blunder.

This song is about dicks.  Or dix.  Or Dixxx.  It’s for if you’re about to get very weird and intimately strange with a woman.  Or, if it’s you and four other guys just cruising the main street of your small town in your mom’s Honda Civic — moving super slow motion.  Or, it could be the song to a music video that just features footage of dicks.  Hard, flaccid, stationary, moving around…whatever.  If there’s anyone out there that wants to make that music video I think that would be hilarious.  I’m not scared of a bucketload of penis, man.  I go to spas and I get naked around fellow men and it’s nothing but absolute chill.  Either way, pump up the bass and crump (or clown, if you’re old school) the ever-lovin’ shnizz out of this hot new/old single.  Wait for the end because it’ll be in your head all day, son.

Next week we will go back to non-dick-related music…maybe.


I’m going to try and make it a habit that on Sunday I post some more songs.  At least until they run out.  Perhaps then I will have the motivation needed to make more.  This one is a real sweet jam made by a group known as The Rappists (Andy Carey, Ross Bryant, myself, with DJ Descoteux on the blips and bloops).  The song is called Pizza Party and this shit is off the fucking chain, y’all.  Shit’s about pizza and it’s legit.  It’s meant to inspire you to discover the wonderful world of cheese and crust and living your life to the maximum.  It’s smooth as silk and as sweet as milk.  No pussies, no h8rs.

New World Order 4 life.

There’s this movie out right now called Being Flynn. It’s has Robert De Niro, Julianne Moore, and Paul Dano in it. Directed by Paul Weitz. It also has this guy Thomas Middleditch in it. He’s only in a few scenes and he plays a gay man (a gay man that in real life unfortunately died of AIDS). You see, Being Flynn is based off the true story memoirs “Another Bullshit Night In Suck City” written by Nick Flynn, which chronicles all kinds of bouts with substance abuse centered around reconnecting with Flynn’s long-lost father — who is homeless and losing his mind. It’s pretty much for real.

The movie just opened. I’m seeing it for the first time this weekend. While I’ll be cringing at all my scenes and regretting my career choice, you will all be peacefully enjoying this heartfelt film. Please, do yourself a favor and see Being Flynn this weekend.

Thank you and good day.

I figured to kick off the new site and layout and everything that I would begin the first of a series of song postings.  I made this lil’ gem, entitled I Am Rad, when I was 22 and alone and drunk in a small apartment in Chicago that stood next to the L-train.  I had to record in-between the train flying by and I had found the tiniest keyboard imaginable to make the weird chords in the background.  It’s one of my favorites and it’s one of the few that actually have lyrics.  It makes me want to record more songs, but then I get embarrassed because the walls are thin in my new place and I don’t want anyone to hear me “letting it out on the mic”.

Pwrease.  Enjoy.  *humble bow*

The “Theory” Of Global Warming

Recently there was a story on NPR that stated (and I’m forgetting the statistic) that there was a dramatic decrease in the amount of people that believed global warming was real.  It focused on this one teenage girl who thought it was an interesting theory, but like evolution, upon further scrutiny the argument wouldn’t hold up.  That’s what I perceive to be the biggest gap between smarties and dumbies — the dumbs perceive scientific fact to be “theory”.

Now I’m going to try very hard and not just make this an us-vs-them post.  Some rant about how certain people are retarded and I’m awesome and everyone who thinks like me is therefore awesome.  While true, I will try and break it down a little more sensitively.

On this NPR documentary, Ira Glass pitted this very articulate and level headed (yet completely misinformed) teenage girl against a scientist who studied global warming and the effect that humans have on this planet.  The scientist laid out point after point, and Ira made sure that the girl understood each point so that nothing was lost in translation as it got quite technical, and when the scientist was done he asked, “have any of these points convinced you that global warming is real?”  To which the teenage girl replied, “it’s a very interesting theory.”

Theory.  Theory.

It sounds like more of a philosophical debate now rather than fact vs. fiction.  Clearly this teenage girl, and the others like her, will not be swayed with fact.  I would ask why, but it seems like their minds are made up.  To me, it makes the most logical sense to take the word of someone who has spent their entire life studying these things as opposed to a few Google searches and reading the blogs of conspirators/fucking weirdos (yes, I understand that to the people I’m trying to convince I am the weirdo blog conspiracy guy).  But it’s not just one scientist who is ringing the alarm bell.  It’s many.  In fact, the entire scientific community.  Yet pundits, politicians, bog water people, friends and neighbors, even teenage girls, think that their conclusion is more sound.  They know.  Perhaps they know more about the theory of relativity than Albert Einstein?

But, there’s new evidence that suggest even the theory of relativity is broken due to recent discoveries.  And to that, one might say, “see, Thomas?  You’ve proven yourself wrong right before your very eyes.”  You’re right.  The only thing any human can be exactly sure is whatever cause and effect they experience for themselves.  This is precisely the reason why I think the world is doomed.  Too many people will shrug it off, then when Mad Max: Real Life Edition hits they’ll say “oh, wait…shit.  Now I see it!”  Actually, they’ll probably blame it on hippy liberals or the gays.  Or actually, they’ll probably just call it The Rapture and blame it on God.  Don’t you see, you fools?  You’ve only yourselves to blame!  FOOOOOLLLSSSS!

However, the theory of relativity is actually genuinely a theory.  It’s plausible, and until this recent discovery (whatever it is) we could view the cause and effect and deem it to be relatively accurate (see what I did there?).  Global warming on the other hand is based on factual data and evidence.  Real, tangible things.  From carbon rings in ice, to satellite photos, to rises in temperatures, higher snowfalls, the emergence of super storms, and much much more — all linked to humans and their machines.  So if there’s all this evidence, why deny it?  I personally don’t understand this.  But then again, I don’t understand religion.  I don’t see how anyone can base their guiding compass in life on unquantifiable nothingness.  On faith.

The difference between faith and global warming is big, though.  Ideally, you can believe in God and I won’t, and we can still be friends and it won’t effect anything other than the odd intellectual debate at a dinner party.  But if you don’t believe in global warming and I do, then you consume more while I strive to not, and you directly melt my planet.  Please don’t melt my planet.

Perhaps I’m wrong.  Perhaps I’ve presented global warming as fact but in reality it’s scientific category is indeed theory.  What is required for it to be fact?

Part of me feels like it’s not wanting to admit that you’re wrong.  Or better yet, not wanting to have to change.  I remember when I was learning about the food industry and discovering how utterly evil it is and wanting to share it all with people.  “Don’t make me watch that!”  or, “I don’t want to read that!” came up again and again, some people even admitting that if they saw or knew about all the atrocities that are being committed to our livestock, our agriculture, which trickles to the environment, and indeed you, that they’d have to change.  “If I see that cow filled with hormones wallowing in its own shit fed on a diet of corn it can’t digest while it’s still alive as it’s electrocuted and mauled by handlers, I will never be able to eat McDonalds again.”  Good.  You shouldn’t be eating Mcdonalds you fat fuck!!!  

"If I subscribe to your hippy enviro-nerd "theory" then I will feel guilty for driving my SUV in the city, or when I don’t recycle, or when I leave my lights on, or when I flush my toilet just for fun, or when I x, y, z.”  Good!  That’s entirely the point.  But look, I’m not a vegetarian.  I love meat.  I eat beef and pork and chicken and everything under the sun.  Do I eat it every day?  No.  When I do eat it, do I try and eat ethically reared livestock?  Yes.  Does that happen all the time?  No, but most of the time it does.  I’m not perfect but I try.  The “hundred-percenters” are usually really weird.  I’m like a seventy-to-eighty-percenter.

The same goes for the environment.  Look, even if you don’t think global warming is real, you can see the effects of mankind and our machines, right?  You can walk outside Los Angeles and see the smog.  Or any major city.  Or you can see the rivers being polluted.  You can see the vast areas, acres upon acres, of forest (needed to turn CO2 into oxygen) cut down.  These are all tangible things to most people.  Ok, so perhaps we can all agree that we people are detrimental to the well being of the planet.  I’m not saying don’t drive a car.  I’m saying pay attention to fuel efficiency and indeed what type of fuel — I drive an ‘82 Benz and that mutha fucka runs of vegetable oil…shit’s cherry red with chrome trim!  Chrome trim, biatch!  I also had vegan sushi for the first time the other night.  Yeah.  Fishless sushi.  And guess what.  It was great!  My point is — there’s an alternative for almost everything.  And that’s good, because biologists predict all wild edible marine life to be gone in under a century.  Yay!  Fuck you Japan, you kill whales and dolphins!

It’s a collection of little things.  The big things have to come from powers beyond you — like figuring out how to power cities from hydrogen.  But if you willingly pull the wool over your eyes you do no help to anyone.  And I get the reaction to withstand ideas that are fed to you.  I get it.  Fight the power, fuck the establishment, question everything.  That’s good.  It’s funny to me that questioning everything hasn’t led you to atheism and a strong belief that we’re all going to kill ourselves because of overpopulation and overconsumption, but hey…whatever.  At least, in the meantime, while you figure it out, do us all a kindness and buy some florescent bulbs for crying out loud — they’ll save you money in the long run anyway. 

This is the best and scariest video yet.  And it’s in my eyes completely foreseeable, as there’s too many people who don’t think anything needs to change.  Watch the video on the main page there.  Ooof.  What a doosey.

Male feminism. Malefeminism?

That sounds almost like a villain in a Harry Potter book.  Maybe I just miss Malfoy.

Ok.  So, my dame gets magazines.  Not cool magazines like WWII Dogfights, or Armchair General, or PC Gamer, the magazines that I get — no no, she gets Cosmopolitan and Glamour and Elle, etc.  To no end she gets these magazines.  So much so that I counted something like eight subscriptions at one time.  In my eyes, they are all ridiculous.

Now before you expect the classic reasons as to why I think they’re ridiculous, like “because they’re gay”, hear me out.  I mean, they ARE gay, but hear me out…

First, let’s take a magazine like Bazaar.  Without even saying anything, it’s a fashion magazine.  High fashion, even.  The most ethereal, existing-on-pure-bullshit industry out there.  As far as I can tell, Bazaar has no Table Of Contents.  As far as I can tell, a magazine like Bazaar has literally HUNDREDS of pages that are nothing more than advertisements.  There are maybe a handful of articles, and they are about so-and-so’s new such-and-such, or how one time “I was almost raped in an alley in Italy when I was photographing Lady Ga Ga”, but the majority of this magazine, which requires you to pay for it, is advertisement after advertisement.  Gucci, Prada, Tommy Hilfiger, whatever, page after page, it’s some deflated model looking hungrily (literally) at the camera with a bottle of the latest perfume or stick of mascara by her side.

And that’s it.

And YOU PAY FOR IT.  You pay to be advertised to!  What the fuck is going on?!  Why?  That magazine should be free.  That magazine should be a catalog that fashion labels pay to be in (which they’re doing now) and you should be able to order it online for free.  Or just look at it online for free on their website.  But instead, you have to pay for it.  You pay for a book of print ads.  That seems just wrong to me.

As I wrote that, Meatloaf just growled.  I hope that’s in agreement.

But the worst is Cosmopolitan.  How can you not see through this magazine?!  Are the women that read Cosmo retarded or just asking for it?  I joke, but I don’t.  Also, not calling my girlfriend a retard — I love her so hard, so just chill.  Look, disclaimer, I know plenty of smart and intelligent and savvy broads who read Cosmo and the like, my very own broad included, but that only serves me to perplex me further.  You need only to look at the cover to realize that Cosmopolitan is written by men to make women more like how men want them to be.  The Cosmo in front of me has tips on how to make yourself prettier, make yourself more of a porn star in bed, “you won’t hear THIS from your gyno” (absolutely serious), and then some story about Nicki Minaj…an oversexed “just be yourself!” pop star who “overcame obstacles”.

Sorry if I sound cynical.  But seriously, what the fuck?  And please, do NOT get me wrong, I fully understand how utterly cliche this little post is.  Some guy, condemning all the girls who read Cosmo and then secretly wishing his girlfriend was the sexiest, freakiest little thing that ever cooked the best meal this side of the Mississippi?  I get it.  My point is, if you’re a smart, aware lady, why the hell are you subscribing to Cosmo?

Serious question.  Because seriously, I don’t get it.

(sorry Andree)

The Latest Cosmo

Things are spiraling out of control in Garageband.  I’m scared that this song represents what’s constantly playing in my mind at all times.  Plus, for no reason, it’s called Spaghetti.  Shame on you for listening to it.